


Accidentally on Purpose

by zombie_honeymoon



Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Comfort, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Holiday Stress, Holidays, M/M, kisame/itachi - Freeform, konan/yahiko - Freeform, mild emotional hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21697909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombie_honeymoon/pseuds/zombie_honeymoon
Summary: Hidan decides he wants to experience a family dinner for the holidays because he never got one growing up. He insists on doing all the cooking, despite not knowing how to cook. His dinner is, no surprise, a disaster with an under cooked, yet burned, turkey. Kakuzu has what he thinks is the perfect idea to save everyone from ending up with food poisoning.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69





	Accidentally on Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> Please enjoy this holiday themed fic!

Kakuzu watched as Hidan woke up early and got to work in the kitchen in an attempt to get everything cooked, baked, and ready on time. It was his first time making a big holiday meal, possibly his first time cooking a meal at all, even though all their friends told him they could bring something or chip in to get take out. But Hidan insisted he wanted to make everything. He wouldn’t even accept Kakuzu’s help except to pay for the groceries.

He had no idea what wild hair got up Hidan's butt, Kakuzu had rarely seen Hidan attempt to cook dinner aside from ribs he threw in a slow cooker with bar-b-que sauce for ten hours, but they had just moved in together six months earlier and Hidan had told Kakuzu he never experienced a big holiday family gathering before as he grew up in foster care.

* * *

_‘Be thankful, they’re awful. More stress than they’re worth and you have to sit around and pretend to be happy with people who you’d rather not spend the extra time with.’ Kakuzu told him._

_‘So let’s invite all our friends, we haven’t seen them in months, and we all like spending time together. And I’ll make everything!’ Hidan had said and immediately started looking up recipes._

_‘You don’t even know how to saute an onion, you think you can cook a whole turkey?’_

_Hidan had simply shrugged, ‘How hard can it be? You just stick it in the oven. Hey... maybe you can microwave one!’_

* * *

Kakuzu wanted to say something as Hidan put a still frozen turkey into the roasting pan and then sprinkled it with a random assortment of salt, pepper and spices from the cupboard. Something orange was going on it and Kakuzu was sure turmeric powder did not belong on a turkey.

He didn’t even like turkey and couldn't believe he was indulging Hidan and bought one. It was like eating napkins. 

The oven wasn’t even pre-heated all the way but Hidan threw the turkey in as it was still heating up. Kakuzu looked at his watch and sighed, it was only nine in the morning. They had a long day ahead of themselves.

As Hidan boiled potatoes for mashed potatoes, Kakuzu at least helped out by setting the table and getting mugs and glasses ready for tea and coffee or wine or water, or whatever people wanted to drink. 

He set out some snacks and plates, then sat and watched Hidan flit around the kitchen to start making a salad.

“Shit!”  
  
Kakuzu looked up from his phone to see Hidan peering into the salad bowl, “What happened?”  
  
“I cut myself and there’s a little piece of my finger in there.”  
  
“Hidan, no! That’s disgusting!”  
  
“I think I found it!” He picked something out and tossed it into the trash and then continued making the salad while Kakuzu got up to leave the room, not wanting to see what else Hidan did to the food. As he sat down in the living room, he began to formulate a plan so no one would have to eat that salad... 

After a while, Kakuzu went back to the kitchen and walked up behind Hidan who looked like he was regretting inviting all their closest friends over as he removed the potatoes from the pot one by one.

“Hey.” Kakuzu said, putting his hands on Hidan’s shoulders and started to rub them, “You should sit down. Take a break.”  
  
Hidan nodded and leaned back against his boyfriend. “Yeah, maybe for a few minutes.” He was exhausted, his back and feet hurt and he was hungry. He really hoped everything would turn out good and that their friends would like everything. He was sure he would never do anything like this again though. Maybe he should have taken them up on the offer of helping to cook, or just get take out from everyone's favorite place... 

“Come on.” Kakuzu pulled him into the living room and onto the couch as he sat down. 

They sat there for several minutes and just as Hidan was starting to relax the smoke alarm in the kitchen started going off.

“Oh shit, something’s on fire!” Hidan leapt up and raced into the kitchen as smoke poured from the oven. 

He opened the door to find that his turkey had overflowed the pan, and the liquid that was supposed to be in the pan was burning on the bottom of the oven. But not only that, the top of the turkey was black and looked like it might catch on fire.

“Shit, must be done…” He said, looking at it. Though he was unsure if it actually was.

“Hidan, it wasn’t in long enough to cook all the way.” Kakuzu told him as he came into the kitchen behind him, waving his hand to try and clear the smoke and then grabbed the smoke alarm down off the wall and removed the battery.

Hidan shook his head at Kakuzu. “It’s fuckin’ burned, this shit is done.” 

“Hidan, no. Use a meat thermometer and-”

“Who’s cooking here? Me! Go and… sit down and do a crossword puzzle while I finish up in here.” 

Narrowing his eyes, Kakuzu gave Hidan a hard look, opened his mouth to say something but closed it without a word as he got an idea and knew what he had to do. There was absolutely no way in hell he was going to let Hidan serve an under cooked turkey to him and all their friends. He might as well have just let Hidan stick it in the microwave like he had originally wanted to.  
  
Knowing his bank account was going to be a little less full later, as it already was after buying all the food, Kakuzu poured himself a big glass of wine and downed it as he watched Hidan start making the mashed potatoes. He poured himself more wine as he wondered why they were becoming discolored. 

* * *

A while later, there was a single knock on the door and Kakuzu put his book down to go answer it.

“Konan, Yahiko, welcome.” Kakuzu said as he opened the door, Hidan sticking his head out of the kitchen to smile at them. He looked exhausted, his hair out of place and his apron had a big red smear across it and Kakuzu hoped it was food and not blood.

“Kakuzu, Hidan, it’s good to see you.” Konan said as she gave Kakuzu a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then whispered, “Does Hidan actually know what he’s doing?”  
  
Kakuzu whispered back, “He doesn’t. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.”  
  
“Good, because if we end up with food poisoning, I’ll kill you both.” She pulled away and took Yahiko’s hand and lead him into the living room as Kisame and Itachi walked up the driveway.

“Kakuzu!” Kisame greeted him, “We made it in one piece!”  
  
“Was there traffic?”  
  
“Not much but Itachi was driving.” Kisame laughed, “He got new glasses and insisted.”  
  
Itachi rolled his eyes, “I’m not blind, Kisame.”  
  
“Itachi. You are legally blind without your glasses.”

“I got us here, didn’t I?”  
  
“You did but I was sure you were about to drive off the road back there and-”  
  
“Alright, enough, get inside.” Kakuzu said and shut the door after they got in, “If any of you hear the door, just answer it, I’ll be in the kitchen.”  
  
Hidan was busy taking his frozen bread out of the freezer and reading the package, distracted, it was the perfect time for Kakuzu to make his move on the turkey.

The trashcan was perfectly placed by the counter... He peered inside to see food scraps and the bag of dirty cat litter. 

Hidan had just turned his back…

Perfect. 

“I’ll just move this over here.” Kakuzu said, “Easier for people to reach on this side.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, alright… shit… I was supposed to defrost this damn thing?! _Fuck…_ I wonder if I can use the microwave… or can I just bake it from frozen?”  
  
While Hidan was pondering whether or not he could use the microwave to bake frozen dough, Kakuzu lifted the pan with the turkey and carried it to the other side of the kitchen, placed it half on the counter and let go. He made sure it fell into the trashcan with a little guidance, ensuring sure no one would be able to eat it. 

The roasting pan fell onto the floor with a loud bang and Hidan spun around.

“NO! My turkey!!” He raced over and looked into the trashcan, “Kakuzu you fuckwad! You dropped my bird in the fucking trash!! There was cat litter in there!! It’s completely fucking ruined!” 

“It was an accident!” Kakuzu shouted back. 

“An accident?! I’ll show you a fucking accident!” His eyes fell on a knife that sat on the counter and he reached for it.

“What’s going on?” Kisame asked, everyone coming to see what all the shouting was about.

“Kakuzu ruined dinner, that’s what!” Hidan shouted, waving a knife towards the trash.

“I did not ruin dinner!” 

“Who wants to eat turkey out of the garbage can with dirty cat litter? No one!”  
  
Kakuzu wanted to shout that he saved them all from ending up in the hospital later but kept his comments to himself. Let Hidan think he had made some grand meal!

“It’s alright, there’s other stuff to eat, isn’t there?” Yahiko asked, trying to sound optimistic as he looked around. 

There was a bowl of cranberry jelly in the shape of the can, some dry looking stuffing, and a sad looking salad because Hidan had probably never made one before and didn’t know what to put in it. The carrots looked like they had been peeled, not cut, and lay in long paper thin strips on top of the lettuce. There was a bowl of very gooey looking brownish stuff.

“What is that supposed to be?” Yahiko asked, pointing at the bowl.

“Mashed potatoes!” Hidan shouted, “Never seen any before?!”  
  
“They’re… brown.” 

“Yeah, well, so?”

“How did you screw up mashed potatoes?” Konan asked.

“I'm sure they're... delicious.” Yahiko said, trying to sound optimistic.

Hidan wasn’t listening and looked around at the counter, “I worked _really_ _fucking_ _hard_ so we could all have a nice holiday dinner together. I never had one before… don’t have family to share holidays with… and Kakuzu dropped my fucking turkey into the fucking trash, almost like it was on purpose… Can’t believe this shit!”

The doorbell rang, at least ten times in a row just as Hidan grabbed the salad and dumped it in the trash on top of the turkey, followed by the mashed potatoes.

“Hidan!” Kakuzu shouted at him, “Stop!” 

“Fuck this!” He dropped the empty bowls in the sink and stood there with arms crossed across his chest. He was exhausted and pissed and hurt. He really had worked so hard.

The doorbell rang again, another ten times.

“Someone get that!” Kakuzu shouted as Hidan looked like he was about to cry. 

Kakuzu felt awful, and his chest constricted when he saw the tears gather in Hidan’s eyes as he turned his back to everyone. Hidan had tried so hard, he had never seen him put so much effort into a meal before. He didn’t mean to hurt Hidan, but he really was not going to let him serve him and their friends an uncooked turkey, a salad that may have a piece of his finger in it, or the gooey, brown mashed potatoes. 

“Sasori, welcome, come in. You’re just in time.” Itachi said.  
  
“Why did it take so long to answer? And why is everyone crowded around the door? What have I missed?”  
  
“The turkey fell in the trash.” Yahiko told him.

“Hidan…” Kakuzu said, wanting to do or say something but not knowing what. 

“I’m… what the hell was I thinking? I don’t know how to fucking cook...”  
  
“You wanted to experience the holidays, and honestly, this is pretty much what they’re like. Way more stress and heartache than they’re worth for the most part.” Kakuzu told him, “Go to the bedroom, splash some water on your face, change out of these clothes and come back and someone will make you a drink. I’ll figure something out. We’ll still have a dinner together, alright?” Kakuzu gave him a hug followed by a kiss on the forehead. Hidan held onto him tightly for several long moments, wiped his eyes and nose on Kakuzu’s shirt sleeve and pulled away.

“Nice...” Kakuzu groaned, looking at the smear on his sleeve.

The doorbell rang again and Itachi opened it, “Oh, it’s just you.” He said with disdain.

“My thoughts exactly, hm.” Deidara said and stepped inside and looked around, “Did I miss something?”  
  
“Kakuzu dropped the turkey in the garbage can.” Kisame filled him in, “Hidan’s pretty upset about it.”  
  
“No shit, I would be too.” Deidara nodded, “So is dinner cancelled then, hm?”  
  
“Everyone go sit in the living room, dinner isn’t cancelled. I’ll figure something out.” Kakuzu said, though he had already figured it out hours ago. Everyone left except Konan who watched as he cleaned up the floor around the trashcan.

“That turkey didn’t fall into the trash on accident, did it?”  
  
“It was... accidentally on purpose...”  
  
“Good.” She looked closer at it. “That thing is still raw.” She then took a bottle of wine and as many glasses she could carry and left Kakuzu to clean up. 

After he wiped up the floor, and took the trash out, Kakuzu washed his hands and took out his phone. He placed a big order for pizzas, bread sticks and salad and then went to check on Hidan who still hadn’t come out of the bedroom.

* * *

Hidan stood in front of the mirror in clean clothes, his eyes were red but dry, and Kakuzu walked up behind him.

“Dinner will be here in about half an hour,” Kakuzu said and then kissed the back of Hidan’s neck, “I’m really sorry about the turkey.” 

“Yeah, fine. It probably would’ve tasted like shit anyways since I was the one who made it.” Hidan pushed off the sink and leaned back against Kakuzu who wrapped his arms around Hidan, “What a lot of work for nothing though. Sorry I wasted all that money on it...”  
  
Kakuzu did not want to think about how much this whole fiasco was costing him and said nothing about the money. “Let’s go and hang out with our friends. We haven’t all been together in one place since summer.”

Hidan looked at their reflection in the mirror for several moments before he nodded, “Yeah, let's do that.”

They went back out to the living room where Konan was handing out glasses of wine to anyone who wanted one and handed one to Hidan, while Deidara was mixing some sort of drink with alcohol he had found in the kitchen. Alcohol that Kakuzu had specifically put away so no one would get into it and only drank once in a while.

“Hey!” Kakuzu shouted and let go of Hidan and headed over to Deidara, “You little sneak! That’s expensive!” 

“Yeah, I know! And you should have set it out for your best friends to enjoy, yeah!” Deidara said as he down a drink before Kakuzu could reach him. 

“Aw, let it go, Kakuzu, it’s the holidays!” Kisame said as he made room for Hidan next to him and Itachi on the couch, “It’s not like you can’t afford to buy more. Look at this nice house, yeah! I still have a one bedroom apartment.”  
  
Before Kakuzu could say anything there was a quiet knock on the door and he went to answer it, “Zetsu, Obito, what took you so long?”  
  
“Had to convince my uncle to come with us, or he would have sat at home by himself drinking himself into a coma.” Obito said as he looked over his shoulder to see Madara getting out of the back of Obito’s car, grumbling that he would rather be home drinking alone rather than drug along to a dinner with a bunch of kids.

“I didn’t know you were bringing him…” Kakuzu said quietly.

“Neither did I until I had to leave to pick up Zetsu. It’s not a problem is it? I couldn’t just leave him there alone!”

“No, it’s fine, Obito. He shouldn’t be left alone on the holidays.”  
  
Zetsu smiled as he held up two bottles of some sort of homemade flower wine. “I brought some special drinks for everyone to try. I made them myself from the flowers I grew in my garden!” 

“Those look nice, Zetsu, thank you.” Kakuzu said as he took one and looked at it. It was pale pink and if it was anything like the others Zetsu had made in the past, they were in for a treat. He looked behind Zetsu and Obito at Madara, “Hello, Mr. Uchiha. Welcome.”

“Kakuzu. Let us in, it’s cold out here. I hope you have the heat on.”

Kakuzu stepped aside. “Everyone’s in the living room, we’re just waiting for the pizza.”

“Pizza?” Madara repeated, “You can’t eat pizza on holidays! I was looking forward to some traditional food you don’t get any other time of the year.”

“Do you want to eat an under cooked turkey out of the trash and brown mashed potatoes?” Kakuzu asked as he walked in.

Madara gave him a look, “I suppose not.”  
  
“Alright then, you can eat pizza with everyone else.”

* * *

“You did that on purpose with my turkey.” Hidan said as he laid in bed later that night as Kakuzu massaged his back. 

“I did, yes.” Kakuzu admitted, his hands working their way down Hidan’s back, getting all the knots out. “How did you know?”  
  
“You paid for all that food. You felt guilty. If it was a _real_ accident, you wouldn’t have paid for all of it and would've asked everyone to pitch in.”  
  
“I felt terrible doing it, especially when I saw you cry. But that turkey was not cooked!”  
  
“I did not cry! And it was so cooked!”  
  
“Hidan, it takes at least four hours to roast a turkey, it was in there maybe only one!”  
  
“It was burned…”  
  
“Yeah, because you didn’t cover it up and don’t know what the hell you’re doing in a kitchen.”  
  
“Couldn’t have been that bad…”  
  
Kakuzu sighed and let his fingers run down Hidan’s sides, resting at his waist and massaging the muscle there. Hidan wriggled under him but Kakuzu didn’t let up. He knew Hidan was sensitive there, it bordered on being both ticklish spot and a turn on when touched just right. 

“Remember when you spent three day puking your guts out a few years ago? And I had to finally take you to the ER?”

“Don't remind me…”

“Did you want to relive that but this time with all your friends and Obito’s Uncle Madara?”

“Dear God no!”

“Then thank me.” Kakuzu growled as he dug his fingers deep into the muscle and grinned as Hidan arched his back and made a low whine.

“Kakuzu… the hell are you trying to do?” Hidan breathed.

“Making it up to you… I’m not sorry for throwing away your turkey, but I am sorry for how much it hurt you.” Kakuzu dipped his hands under Hidan’s waistband of his shorts and leaned down, kissing the back of his neck, “How do you want me?”  
  
With a grin, Hidan tilted his head to the side, “On your back, screaming my name. You want to make it up to me? Then you’re gonna fuckin’ make it up to me.”  
  
“If you want me on my back and screaming your name, then come on, fucking make me.” Kakuzu grinned back and ran his hands up Hidan’s sides once more, lightly but with just enough pressure, making him laugh and shout at him to stop.

“I will! Just- fucking- _stop that shit!!”_ Hidan managed to roll onto his back while still being pinned down, “Kakuzu!!”  
  
“I love it when you’re on your back, screaming my name.” Kakuzu grinned as he continued to tickle Hidan until he was out of breath and had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. 

“Fuck you, Kakuzu…” Hidan breathed, “You’re paying for this…”

“It’ll be worth it, I’m sure.” Kakuzu leaned down to kiss him, easing up his hold on him and that was when Hidan made his move and flipped Kakuzu onto his back with a satisfied smirk on his flushed face.

As he looked down at his boyfriend, Hidan had never felt more loved than he did that day.

While the day hadn’t started out great, and only got worse when his turkey was trashed, the rest of the day had been just about perfect. He had been surrounded by friends who loved him and who he loved in return. Even Obito’s cranky uncle turned out to be fun to hang out with and seemed to actually enjoy everyone's company. Hidan even hoped Obito would bring him along more often.

It was everything Hidan had never had growing up, but always wanted and as he looked down at Kakuzu, his vision blurred. 

“Hidan?” Kakuzu pushed himself up on his elbows, “What’s wrong? Why are you crying this time?”  
  
“Nothing's wrong… I’m just…” He blinked his eyes, trying to rid himself of his tears, “I’m just really fucking happy. I really love you, Kakuzu.”  
  
“I love you, too, Hidan.” He wasn’t sure if he should wipe Hidan’s tears away or let him deal with them himself. Kakuzu certainly didn’t want him wiping his nose on his shirt again though and brought his hand up, wiping the tears away with his thumb. 

Hidan kissed him softly and as Kakuzu kissed him back, he could taste salty tears and lowered himself back down to the pillows, making sure to bring Hidan with him. “How about you make me scream your name some other night, and tonight I just hold you?”  
  
“Nah, you can hold me after we fuck.” Hidan said with a grin as he shoved Kakuzu down on his back. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, feel free to leave a comment, I love to hear from readers! :D


End file.
